


Different

by thesoundofnat



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, idk what else to tag this with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 17:48:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesoundofnat/pseuds/thesoundofnat
Summary: It had been bad enough to see his best friend lie there, as if frozen, with no pulse to find despite how much Bones tried. It had been bad enough to believe he would live the rest of his life without him. It had all been bad enough. But to think they would come out of this unscathed was wistful thinking.(Or, Bones is discovering in what ways Jim is different after having died, and in what ways he’s still the same.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> My first Star Trek fic on this account. I hope you will like it, and please remember that feedback is always appreciated!

Dying, albeit briefly, had changed Jim. Bones could tell. When it came to Jim, Bones could always tell.

It was a painful realization, he had to admit. It had been bad enough to see his best friend lie there, as if frozen, with no pulse to find despite how much Bones tried. It had been bad enough to believe he would live the rest of his life without him. It had all been bad enough. But to think they would come out of this unscathed was wistful thinking.

Jim was different. He wasn’t the only one, of course. They had all changed a little bit. Spock seemed more distant. Scotty more emotional. Uhura became softer. Sulu all but danced around the Captain. Chekov was more quiet than ever, as if unsure of what to say. And Bones? Well, let’s just say that he panicked as soon as the kid was out of his sight. Jim called him overprotective, but Bones didn’t care. He wouldn’t be able to lose him again.

Jim was the one to change the most. Bones shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was over that fact. He wasn’t as naive anymore, nor as cheerful. The latter saddened the doctor, who had gotten so used to his friend’s easy smiles. Jim aged way too quickly due to that experience. Due to the new blood in his system. It was horrifying to watch, once Bones realized what was going on. It was as if Jim was changing every day; morphing into a new version right before his very eyes.

It was safe to say Bones didn’t like it.

At all.

He started observing his Captain and friend, and while he knew Jim’s scowl and dismissing waves would be endless if he noticed, Bones couldn’t stop. He had to keep watching him or he was afraid the kid would change so much he would be unrecognizable.

And so Bones started desperately looking for signs of the old Jim. Any little trace of the enthusiastic guy he knew. Just the smallest of signs would be enough. The vaguest of aspects.

“Why aren’t you eating?” he asked one day as he entered Jim’s quarters. The man in question was sitting on the couch with a plate full of untouched fruit on the coffee table in front of him. Had he not been staring at it somewhat skeptically Bones would’ve guessed he’d forgotten about it completely.

“I don’t know,” Jim replied and caught his gaze. Well, at least he was being honest.

Bones plopped down beside him. “I would ask if it’s the wrong kind of fruit, but I know for a fact that not only are you crazy about all of that, but it’s also the only types you’re not allergic to.”

Jim barked out an almost sheepish laugh, and Bones mentally ticked it off as a sign. “Maybe I don’t believe they won’t kill me.”

“Oh, trust me. Whatever you’ve been through can’t alter allergies. Only nature can do that, and that wasn’t natural.”

“I guess.” Jim picked up an apple slice, but he only turned it around in his hand. “My apetite is different. It’s like…”

“Like?”

“Like going hungry isn’t as big of a fear of mine anymore.”

Bones tilted his head. There was more to that story, but he wasn’t going to pry. “Just take a few bites. Do I have to say please? Because I will if it’s enough to get some nutrition into your system.”

Jim’s smile wasn’t as bright as it used to, but it still made Bones feel calm whenever he saw it. “Nah, I’m not a sadist.” He took a bite out of his slice. “There. Happy?”

“Immensely so,” Bones replied dryly. To see the kid who used to devour whatever you put in front of him practically force himself to eat was alarming to say the least.

Jim chewed slowly, but he ate the whole slice, and even went for a second one before pushing the plate away from him. Bones decided not to nag and let it be, though if the kid kept it up he’d have to change strategies. Jim wasn’t going to self destruct on his watch, whether it was consciously or not.

* * *

 

Jim’s temper was worse than ever. While he could be impatient in his personal life, Jim was usually a very level headed man who was willing to listen to other people whose opinions he valued, and he was prepared to alter his own plans if he realized their ideas could contribute to a better result. Now he just seemed tired, glowering in ways that even scared Bones if someone tried to go against his orders. His patient was thinner, but not enough for Bones to be able to pull him aside and chastise him about his new way of acting since it didn’t endanger the ship or crew. Jim was as impeccable of a Captain as ever, but the atmosphere on the bridge had never been this bad, and Bones didn’t even spend that much time there.

Seeing as Jim had never been very bothered about showing Bones when he was unhappy outside of work, Bones would expect it to get ten times worse and was utterly surprised to realize the exact opposite was happening.

Rather than let his emotions run amok behind closed doors, Jim seemed to shut them off completely, his body going slack and his face becoming a blank canvas with no expression. It terrified Bones too much to keep quiet about it.

“If I told you you’re being an idiot, would you yell at me?”

Jim glanced up. At least he could still express confusion. “Sorry, what?”

“I’m just trying to see if you can get angry, s’all.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You used to be very good at snapping at me, but lately you just give me a tired look and move on with your life.”

“Shouldn’t that be a good thing?”

“Sure, if you spared the rest of the crew your angry looks.”

“I don’t look angry.”

“Oh yes, you do. I’m pretty sure Chekov is terrified of you now.”

Jim frowned. “Why would he be scared? I’d never yell for no reason.”

“I know that. They’re probably not very sure anymore.”

His words weren’t well received, but Jim didn’t stand up in rage to ask him to take it back or clarify. Instead he just looked exhausted. Jim was never one to give into exhaustion.

Jim rubbed his temples with a sigh. “I’m sure they know better than to think I’d hurt them or something.”

“You used to be so patient, but lately it’s like you don’t even want to listen to them.”

Something flickered over Jim’s face, and the next second his expression had changed, though Bones couldn’t entirely identify what it was he was feeling. “Do I really come off like that?”

“More often than not, yes.”

“Shit.”

They didn’t say anything more about it, but Jim sank back into his expressionless exhaustion and Bones never stopped worrying. He could only hope their talk would change things. It had to.

* * *

 

Jim slept less. Bones only knew that because he’d accidentally - or not so accidentally - fallen asleep on Jim’s couch, which resulted in him waking up to find Jim pacing around the dark room restlessly and scaring the crap out of Bones in the progress.

“Dammit, Jim!” he exclaimed only seconds after he’d opened his eyes. “What the hell are you doing?!”

Jim didn’t pause in his stride, but basically flew into the air instead. “Bones! Holy crap, I had forgotten you were here.”

Bones sat up, his eyes still trying to properly make out Jim’s features in the dark. “Light at 50 percent.”

The room lit up, and Bones’ eyes landed on Jim’s face instantly. He looked like death himself.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Jim said before Bones could ask. “Whenever I can’t sleep I walk around in an attempt to tire myself out. You’re usually not in this room.”

“Jim, if you’re having trouble sleeping I can always get you something for it.”

“Drugs, you mean?” Jim’s smile was joyless. “I’d rather not have to rely on substances.”

“Says the guy who almost drinks himself unconscious every other night.”

That was another discovery Bones had made, but seeing as both he and Jim had liked drinking for a long time he couldn’t exactly call him out on it. The difference was vague enough for Jim to be able to deny it.

Jim’s laugh matched his smile. “In my own defense, it’s not as frequent as that.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m not _abusing_ it-”

“I know, I know.” Bones sat up properly. “But you know how easy it can be to cross that line, right?”

Jim didn’t reply, but Bones hadn’t expected him to.

“Tell me about why you can’t sleep.”

“I just can’t. My mind is too active. My body can’t sit still.”

“How often does this happen?”

“Probably too often.”

“When was the last time you got a full night’s sleep?”

“I honestly can’t remember.”

“Dammit, Jim,” Bones mumbled just loud enough for him to hear. “Stop keeping things from me.”

“And what, exactly, are you supposed to do about this other than give me pills?”

“I’m not just a doctor, you know. I have other methods of helping a friend.”

“It’s all right, Bones. I’m all right.”

“That’s the biggest lie you’ve told, kid,” Bones replied softly. “Come here.”

Jim hesitated for just a second before he walked over and dropped down onto the space beside him. Bones reached over to place a hand on his chest, choosing not to comment on how he tensed up under the touch.

“Take deep, steady breaths,” he said instead. “That way you will calm your body down enough to stop its restless fidgeting.”

Jim did as he was told, and with each breath Bones felt his hand rise where it was resting on his chest. He only removed it once Jim’s breathing felt naturally calm, and he took a hold of Jim’s wrist instead.

“Now, try to relax your body. Let your shoulders drop and get rid of all the tension you’ve built up.”

Jim obliged once more, and Bones made a mental note of how the kid still trusted him enough to know what he was doing, thank god.

“Good. Now close your eyes.”

Jim’s gaze flickered to him briefly before he followed his request, and for a moment Bones didn’t say anything but let him sit there in silence.

“Do you feel relaxed?”

“I do,” Jim mumbled back, his eyelids twitching.

“The body is easier to control than the mind. Whenever you can’t sleep you have to make sure to relax your body as much as possible and your mind won’t be far behind.”

Jim hummed sleepily now, cracking one eye open to look at him. “Thank you, Bones. Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Bones’ heart broke into a million pieces at his dejected tone. “Don’t think I’ll ever let you find that out.”

Jim let out a laugh and Bones made one more mental note. Beneath all those changes Jim was still a scared guy with big dreams. Life had just beaten him a little too much this time. Bones could only hope Jim would be able to fully recover.

* * *

 

Bones slept badly that night, but that was only because Jim’s elbow was digging into his gut in a rather painful way. Bones didn’t dare try to move away though out of fear of disturbing him. Jim was finally sleeping deeply enough to not even stir, and Bones wasn’t about to ruin that. The couch wasn’t necessarily the comfiest sleeping place either, but Jim must’ve been so exhausted that he barely noticed.

Bones smiled slightly to himself as he made one last mental note. Jim still snuggled closer to him in his sleep, and Bones was happy to discover that his friend still felt safe enough around him to do so. Bones vowed to always be Jim’s safe space for as long as he needed him to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my [tumblr](http://thesoundofnat.tumblr.com/)


End file.
